"I'd climb a tree to see the world"

- You hurt people. 

- Because they hurted me too.

monsters, they don't sleep

"You learn that we shall never tell a child that dreams are silly, (...) it would be a tragedy if she believed in it."

The strength of her eyes couldn't carry the weight of a past to be looked into.

But things have an end, dear darling, you say it kills you, but I see you're still alive

"I would love every individual dear to me with the strength from all my insides. But there's not so many individuals to love anymore."

In the sadness you'll figure yourself out.

but we know, we know that what they call feelings will never belong to us. we know that we feel the empty they neglect.

Here's 2 all depressed people who follow me (or not):

Stay strong. U'll find something worth it someday, little & fragile. But u'll see it.

You gotta be strong, you gotta be like me, you gotta understand you don't need anyone.

"when things go wrong, I pretend that the past isn't real . "

"My past is getting us nowhere fast, I was never one for taking things slow, nowhere seems like somewhere to go."

Tweets from a younger me. A worse person me. A lost me. A child me. I remember, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I can't recall the feeling at all. I have no idea of what I said, of what I did. I remember how ruthless and cold I was. I remember I had self-loathing for blood. I remember a cold night inside the car. I remember almost losing one of the people I love the most in this world. And then another. I remember how much damage it all created, I know it, I feel it, I remember it. I remember the immediate and unthought of answers I always gave. I remember inspiration, weirdness, confusion, detachtment. I remember lines from songs. But there are things I don't remember. I remember a brother. I remember a stepmother. I remember black lines over white paper, monsters in math classes. So much in math classes. Time. Asking time to stop on a math notebook, trembling with fear.

Will I forget, in time? Am I asking time to stop again in a whole different context? Will I leave that person behind forever? I never want to. She's sick me, or is this sick me? She's authentic. She's bad. She's immense love, dying for a friend love, she's multiple minds in one single mind, she's rage control issues, she's youth, she's fear, she's a freak, but not. She's a ring someone gave back to her. She's crying in the kitchen. She's trust issues. She's a fighter. She's hard as stone. She's regret. She's a diamond which turned into a shred of a diamond still. She's self esteem and lack of it. She's dressing in costume, discovery, daring, life, breathing, wishing not to. 

Tweets from a person which is all over my skin and yet I don't know how I still feel her or if I even do. She's marked in my body from the inside... for now. Will I grow up? Is growing up forgetting what was forged in early teenagehood? Who am I? Dear, I'm lost again.

I haven't been so brutally honest in this blog for a long time, but watching episodes of the series which partly saved me woke up something in my which has been claiming my attention for some time now. A nostalgia which is impossible to bear without wanting to cry. So this is it: brutally honest. Not knowing if I'm her anymore. Not finding her anywhere sometimes, and yet, doing so. This is me, suffering all the consequences again and ever again. This is me, always learning from the same lessons. This is me, hating her while missing her, because I know I'm better now to the world, but to not to me. This is me, mentally ill and dealing with it. This is me and my harsh truths like acceptance and recovery. I miss it, that's all.