"I wish this never happened" is, probably, the worst feeling after guilt. And I know I don't want to put my ocd or anxiety in the equation, but my ocd type of thinking will always be in the equation, and I hate it that I can't fucking think straight. And I just hope I can get through this, because right now it's a maze and a mess and I hate it; I hate how everyone has such an influence over me, such a power, and normally when everyone is against you, and trying to make you see other points, they're right. Or maybe they just can't feel and understand what you feel. Because maybe it's anxiety. Are they right? Am I?

I hate this, I hate this so fucking much. I don't wanna sound like a motherfucking victim but do I get like a Summer of peace and it's okay to send everything to shit again? When the hell am I going to be at peace? When is that gonna happen? When am I going to feel good anywhere, good with myself, good with the people around me? I'm starting to think that it will never happen, and that I'm made for "violent delights and violent ends", and don't come at me telling me I am the intense one. These fucked up situations keep gravitating towards me.
At least my coping mechanisms at 14 worked, I actually felt good, now it seems like this anxiousness has found a home here and will never allow me to be indifferent to anything ever again. I just wanna be indifferent, but consciously indifferent, not like medically induced indifferent or "I'm gonna fuck this up because I'm indifferent" type of it. 

Fuck this shit. Fuck this situation. Fuck my mind. I'm done finding myself at crossroads, I'm done having my brain explaining things to my brain, for fuck's sake, let me breathe. I can't deal. I can't.